WHY?

So many questions run through my mind.. But 2 seem to pop in my head the most. I want to be able to think about something else, but i cant.

Is this my fault??
I have done a lot of reading up on depression and anxiety during pregnancy and what problems it can place on an unborn child. I know it sounds stupid but if you know me you know that i have been through a lot in the past yr with my first daughter. I was taking a medicine for anxiety but i have read every article on the medication and it says there is no harm to an unborn child and that many woman use it during pregnancy. Lance was sooo upset when i started taking it and told me if it changed my moods he was gonna flush it. So i decided to deal with my being upset another way.. On my own. So did me bottling up all my hurt from Madi do this to Kadence? I doubt it but who can tell me that.. And the person that can tell me that well how can you prove it??

Heart problems or Disabilities??
The paper the Cardiologist gave me said that this problem is caused by heart problems in the family or other disabilties in the child.. There are no heart problems in either of our families.. Enough said.   :(

Playing games

I know that the way i feel isnt what is really happening, but I have to let it out.

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A GAME TO EVERYONE ELSE..

My date of delivery has now been changed 3 times. it keeps getting pushed out. I dont want to wait anymore even though I am scared for her.. I really hate hearing "We need to wait another week." Someone please explain why i need to wait another week??? Its like they want me to dwell on it more than i allready have.

On top of the date change i made plans for my Daughter Madi to be here during the scheduled time so she could meet her new sister, and because the day was changed she wont be here now. How do I explain that mommy had a baby to a 2 yr old when i cant show her the baby??? I am soooo worried she wont understand.

CiCi's Pizza

I wish i had a name, But All I can say is that she was like an Angel. A woman confronted me at CiCi's while me and Lance were getting our pizza. She asked all the normal questions about when i was due and if i knew what it was. I always end up talking about the surgery. (Its all I can think about when someone asks her name) She imediatly put her hands on my belly and started to pray.

She told me that this baby was a blessing and that god would take care of her. She was going to be born normal and wouldnt need any major help. She went on telling god that she was so happy that me and Lance got to be the wonderful parents of a special child.

I almost cried but i held it together. Even though I know she isnt going to be ok till after her surgery this brought a calm feeling over me. It didnt last for long but i felt better. I can say i was able to do something (eat pizza) without wondering or being scared about what is going to happen.

I wish I knew you, But all I can say is thank you. You were a blessing that i really needed.

Tour of Childrens Dallas

We met with the coordinator of the Cardiac NICU yesterday. She took us on a tour and told us what i guess we had been waiting to hear.. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN??? She explained that when Kadence is born she will have another Echo done on her heart and that will determine when she will be moved from Parkland NICU to Childrens Cardiac NICU. She will then be started on a Medicine to keep her PDA (extra blood vessel below her aorta) open. Her PDA is the only thing sending blood to the rest of her body right now, and it would normally close 2 days after birth. This medicine will make her body think she is still a fetus, making her forget she needs to breathe.. Which will result in a a breathing tube in her mouth. She will also most lilely not be able to eat when she is first born causing her to forget how to suck, so after a couple weeks of recovery we will have to teach her how to eat. They said that until then she will have a feeding tube from her nose to her tummy. She will also be started on the medication (digoxin) i have been taking to keep her heart at a normal rate.

We were told she will be in the Cardiac Nicu for maybe a week after surgery.. She will then be moved to the Cardiac recovery unit for 2-3 weeks.

My new OB GYN

What!!! Im 5 weeks to my due date and i have to get a new doctor to deliver my baby!! OMG! I freaked.. I have my own blood condition where my viens swell and i have to have a C-Section. Its a very dangerous C-Section because of all the blood loss. I found the perfect OB and now i have to get a new one. I met with my new OB GYN who is a high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor that also does deliveries at Parkland and UT Southwestern Hospitals right next to Childrens in dallas. She is GREAT!!! I really like her and she knows about the condition i have. She gave me the pros and cons of both hospitals and told me i could pick which hospital i wanted to have Kadence at, and the day we will be doing the C-Section.

So Kadence will be born on Dec. 27th @ Parkland hospital by C-Section in the evening. so as of today we are counting down!!
17 DAYS!!

Coarctation of the Aorta

Coarctation (ko-ahrk-TAY-shun) of the aorta — or aortic coarctation — is a narrowing of the aorta, the large blood vessel that branches off your heart and delivers oxygen-rich blood to your body. When this occurs, your heart must pump harder to force blood through the narrow part of your aorta.
Coarctation of the aorta is generally present at birth (congenital). Coarctation of the aorta may range from mild to severe, and may not be detected until adulthood, depending on how narrowed the aorta is.
Coarctation of the aorta often occurs along with other heart defects. While treatment for coarctation of the aorta is usually successful, it's a condition that requires careful follow-up through infancy and throughout adulthood.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coarctation-of-the-aorta/DS00616

Bad news...

I have had 2 Echo's for Kadence. The 2nd one revealed the bad news. On Nov. 28th i sat in the Sono room for over an hour with my Mom and Lance.. they performed and Echo on her heart as best they could. I heard a little chit chat between doctors and i started to worry that something was really wrong. When they were finished they took us to another room and Dr. Kane came in with a picture of a babies heart. He explained how the heart is supposed to work and then he told us what was wrong with hers.. She still had all the same symptoms she had 4 weeks prior in the hospital. Nothing had changed and it was all because of this one little problem they "think" they had found. Coarctation of the aorta. Means that her aorta is pinched off in a small section causing her heart to not be able to pump blood to the rest of her body. He then explained the only way to fix this is surgery. I couldnt help but to cry.

I still dont think Heart surgery has set in on me.. it is not open heart surgery but im still not sure how to feel.

Hospitalized

On Oct 24th i was sent to the L&D because Baby's heart was beating at 211.. Not sure what to think. I was transfered from one hospital to another (PHOP) and told that the baby had what they called SVT. (Super Ventricular Tachycardia) they started me on Digoxin and Flecanide (heart meds) to slow her heart rate down. they finally got her hear raate normal in 2 weeks and i was sent home. I had follow up appointments with 3 new doctors. But i thought baby Kadence would be ok.


Symptoms she had
~ Enlarged right side of heart
~ Leakig tricuspid valve
~ Extra tissue getting in the way of her aorta
~ And an eptopic heart rate